Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
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[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Jogging
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Education is vital
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong