Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
ibopfufen
These aliens are taking forever.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”