At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
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Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
*swipes right on my hand mirror
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this