You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
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you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets