According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
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Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
my professor scared me for a second
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”