I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
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Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog