My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
You Might Also Like
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Nothing to do, you say?
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables