I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
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Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
*limbos away from your hug*
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali