I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
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Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not