Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
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fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
They say women only use 10% of their anger