my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
You Might Also Like
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell