Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
what’s really going on
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.