I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
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ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen