Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
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in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
every. time.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.