Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
You Might Also Like
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
meow
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her