Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
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Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school