New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
You Might Also Like
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Meanwhile in Portland…
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.