Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
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It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.