[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
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A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
is nasa ok
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?