When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
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When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Any refunds available?…
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Warm pools make me nervous.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
no
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.