Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
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I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
When your man makes a valid point
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.