Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
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me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?