me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
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*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
o shit
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
The Friday File.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.