Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
You Might Also Like
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
my dad has had enough
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit