I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
You Might Also Like
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.