oh my god
You Might Also Like
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears