Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
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Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Feels like the fourth month in January
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner