if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
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I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.