How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
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[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Sing it!
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.