Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
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-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Candles never taste the way they smell
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese