Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
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[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”