Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
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At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?