Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
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*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.