[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
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I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
This was the best day of my life
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes