Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
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Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
three things we don’t talk about
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
*pronounces fake like saké*
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
And bowling should be called pinball
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record