My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
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Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
#gardening
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
My dating profile:
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Leaving the Barbers like