Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
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ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one