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Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
When you kidnap a writer.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON