Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
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you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
This made me smile…
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
where’s Godzilla when we need him
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.