pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
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The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.