Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
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Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.