In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
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Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I’m having an out of money experience.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.