The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.