My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
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4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Pat is about to own someone
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.