Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
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In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
so i’m at the stock market right
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*