Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
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*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.