My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
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[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Happy Halloween 🎃
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.