Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
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No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
figuring out my emotional availability:
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava