Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
You Might Also Like
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great