Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
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Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Banana is the quietest snack
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him